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| October 2004 |
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| August 2012 |
In case you were unaware, as many were since I didn't tell anyone, I had surgery on my right ear again on July 26th. The cholesteotoma came back and, according to my ENT doctor, it was "massive". Surgery took about 6 1/2 hours and I am still recovering. They also widened my ear canal while they were in there and that is very painful. I believe the residual pain wasn't as bad the last time. This time...it's very very sore. It doesn't help that the children keep whacking me in the ear. :/
I didn't tell people about the surgery, other than my family, co-workers and a dear friend that has dealt with the same surgery. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, pity me, or just draw attention to myself. I don't know why I felt that way. The only reason my church family knew about it was that my dad felt the need to put out a prayer request email two days before the surgery. Although I was unsure at first, I am so glad he did that. The outpouring of prayers and the assistance of meals was wonderful and I am so thankful for that. I guess I don't know everything after all. :)
As I recover, I am so emotionally wound-up lately and that is so unlike me. I have been known to just tear up at the drop of a hat lately. I have so many thoughts running through my mind: will my hearing get much worse because of this surgery, will it come back at all, will Jordan get off to a great start this year - her first year in high school, will Myles enjoy 2nd grade as much as he loved 1st grade, and, lastly, will the pain of losing Dasya ever get easier.
I just decided to write her a letter:
My precious baby girl,
I miss you so so much. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you, miss you, and wonder when I will see you again.
I still struggle with the "fairness" of it all. Was it "fair" that you were taken from us? Why us?? What did I do wrong??
I have gotten through the anger about your death although just thinking about you can make me sob with grief. But now, I don't think the sadness is anger-driven, I think it is just the thoughts of "what might have been". I think about all the things we have missed out on with you: your first words, first steps, first days of school. I think about what you would be like.
What would you look like? Would you be the image of Jordan and Myles - who look so much like each other? I think you would since you all were so similar looking when you were all born.
Would you and Jordan be the best of friends? You are 17 today and she's 14 1/2. That could make for best friends, or a lot of sibling rivalry. :)
Would you be taller than me too? Your sister has already passed me up by about a half an inch.
Would you love sports? Jordan loves softball and is thinking about going out for the swim team. Myles is all about sports, especially baseball and football...and wrestling, and boxing, and basketball. He loves it all.
Would you have a boyfriend? Be thinking about what college you'd go to? Be excited about your senior year of high school?
It's the trivial stuff I think about most...just the day-to-day things of childhood. I miss you more that you could possibly know. I miss you so much. I can't wait until I see you again.
I love you more than words can express. Happy 17th birthday!
Mom
