A Letter to Dasya

Life has been filled as of late with surgery recovery, school supply shopping, Olympics and just general living.  

October 2004

August 2012

Yesterday was the first 2-hour day of school.  I can't believe Jordan is in high school.  I still haven't managed to wrap my head around that yet.

In case you were unaware, as many were since I didn't tell anyone, I had surgery on my right ear again on July 26th.  The cholesteotoma came back and, according to my ENT doctor, it was "massive".  Surgery took about 6 1/2 hours and I am still recovering.  They also widened my ear canal while they were in there and that is very painful.  I believe the residual pain wasn't as bad the last time.  This time...it's very very sore.  It doesn't help that the children keep whacking me in the ear.  :/

I didn't tell people about the surgery, other than my family, co-workers and a dear friend that has dealt with the same surgery.  I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, pity me, or just draw attention to myself.  I don't know why I felt that way.  The only reason my church family knew about it was that my dad felt the need to put out a prayer request email two days before the surgery.  Although I was unsure at first, I am so glad he did that.  The outpouring of prayers and the assistance of meals was wonderful and I am so thankful for that.  I guess I don't know everything after all.  :)

As I recover, I am so emotionally wound-up lately and that is so unlike me.  I have been known to just tear up at the drop of a hat lately.  I have so many thoughts running through my mind:  will my hearing get much worse because of this surgery, will it come back at all, will Jordan get off to a great start this year - her first year in high school, will Myles enjoy 2nd grade as much as he loved 1st grade, and, lastly, will the pain of losing Dasya ever get easier.

I just decided to write her a letter:

My precious baby girl,

I miss you so so much.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you, miss you, and wonder when I will see you again.

I still struggle with the "fairness" of it all.  Was it "fair" that you were taken from us?  Why us??  What did I do wrong??

I have gotten through the anger about your death although just thinking about you can make me sob with grief.  But now, I don't think the sadness is anger-driven, I think it is just the thoughts of "what might have been".  I think about all the things we have missed out on with you:  your first words, first steps, first days of school.  I think about what you would be like.

What would you look like?  Would you be the image of Jordan and Myles - who look so much like each other?  I think you would since you all were so similar looking when you were all born.  

Would you and Jordan be the best of friends?  You are 17 today and she's 14 1/2.  That could make for best friends, or a lot of sibling rivalry.  :)

Would you be taller than me too?  Your sister has already passed me up by about a half an inch.  

Would you love sports?  Jordan loves softball and is thinking about going out for the swim team.  Myles is all about sports, especially baseball and football...and wrestling, and boxing, and basketball.  He loves it all.

Would you have a boyfriend?  Be thinking about what college you'd go to?  Be excited about your senior year of high school?  

It's the trivial stuff I think about most...just the day-to-day things of childhood.  I miss you more that you could possibly know.  I miss you so much.  I can't wait until I see you again.

I love you more than words can express.  Happy 17th birthday!  

Mom

First Day of School!

New School

Today was the first day of kindergarten for Myles.  It was just a half day phase-in day for him...but I was nervous for him nonetheless.  

 Waiting to go to class for the first time!

He had his kindergarten screening last Friday and - thankfully - the teacher that screened him is his teacher.  So thankful that it was the one teacher he had actually met.  Her name is Ms. Lombardi and she seems really nice (and young looking!!).

Screening day

It was a hard day for momma...I managed to keep it together until I left him in his classroom.  Terrance had to laugh at me crying in the hallway.  

Learning where our new class is

Waiting for him to come home seemed like an eternity!  I didn't think 12:30 would ever get here.  But, it finally did and pick-up at the school went smoothly.

He said he had a great time and is ready for Friday so he can go back.  Just the words I was wanting to hear.  :)

First Day Of School

Well, today was the first day of 5th grade for Jordan - and what an exciting day it was. I dropped her off - just like normal - and went to work. I thought that she was going to have this "great" day - nice, new teacher - friends in her class - the whole nine yard.

At about 9:30 - the school called. They said that she had had an accident at recess. Apparently, she had somehow cut her eyebrow and was bleeding pretty bad. The nurse thought she might need stitches.

"ACK!!", I thought. I told them I was on my way and raced to the school.

I called the doctor's office as I left work to find out if I needed to take her there or to the emergency room - they said to bring her to the office. Terrance got to the school at about the same time I did and we picked her up. She was holding up pretty good. She said she hadn't even cried.


We got to the doctor's office and had to wait a little while. Jordan was joking about having to get some stitches and wondering what it would be like. We thought it was funny that she had just asked me this morning about the stitches I had to get in my eye when I was a little younger than her. She had asked me if I still had a scar. We finally got back to a room and the doctor came in and decided that she did need some stiches. Well, at that point Jordan decided that she didn't want stiches after all. I think she was getting a little nervous.


The doctor came in - and a med student - and 2 nurses - and the receptionist (plus the fact that Terrance, Jordan and I were already in there) - and it was a full room. (((The receptionist was in there because Jordan really likes her and they wanted to distract her from what was going on.))) They cleaned her eye - which probably hurt, and then got ready to stitch it up.


They decided not to numb the area because they would have had to give her 4 shots to numb it (2 on both sides of her eyebrow) and the numbing medicine stings quite a bit. The doctor said that for just 2 stitches - it would hurt more to numb it than just stitch it.....I think Jordan might disagree.


Well, the doctor started the first stitch and Jordan really started wailing then. I felt sooo bad for her. I started to tear up myself. I mean - who wants to see their child in pain! They got the first stitch in and all knotted and were trying to do the other one and she started hyperventilating a little. It didn't help that she had the paper over her face that the doctor was using.

Well, they finally finished and got her bandaged up. We had to wait a bit before we could leave because Jordan was still hyperventilating and they were worried that she would pass out....poor thing. Got her home and she laid out on the couch and took a little nap. Her teacher, aunt, both grandparents and her cousins all called to check on her and her papa came by to see how she was doing.


I think she's going to live.



I also thought I'd add a pic of our Abby - no reason - she's just really cute since she got her hair cut.