A Letter to Dasya

Life has been filled as of late with surgery recovery, school supply shopping, Olympics and just general living.  

October 2004

August 2012

Yesterday was the first 2-hour day of school.  I can't believe Jordan is in high school.  I still haven't managed to wrap my head around that yet.

In case you were unaware, as many were since I didn't tell anyone, I had surgery on my right ear again on July 26th.  The cholesteotoma came back and, according to my ENT doctor, it was "massive".  Surgery took about 6 1/2 hours and I am still recovering.  They also widened my ear canal while they were in there and that is very painful.  I believe the residual pain wasn't as bad the last time.  This time...it's very very sore.  It doesn't help that the children keep whacking me in the ear.  :/

I didn't tell people about the surgery, other than my family, co-workers and a dear friend that has dealt with the same surgery.  I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, pity me, or just draw attention to myself.  I don't know why I felt that way.  The only reason my church family knew about it was that my dad felt the need to put out a prayer request email two days before the surgery.  Although I was unsure at first, I am so glad he did that.  The outpouring of prayers and the assistance of meals was wonderful and I am so thankful for that.  I guess I don't know everything after all.  :)

As I recover, I am so emotionally wound-up lately and that is so unlike me.  I have been known to just tear up at the drop of a hat lately.  I have so many thoughts running through my mind:  will my hearing get much worse because of this surgery, will it come back at all, will Jordan get off to a great start this year - her first year in high school, will Myles enjoy 2nd grade as much as he loved 1st grade, and, lastly, will the pain of losing Dasya ever get easier.

I just decided to write her a letter:

My precious baby girl,

I miss you so so much.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you, miss you, and wonder when I will see you again.

I still struggle with the "fairness" of it all.  Was it "fair" that you were taken from us?  Why us??  What did I do wrong??

I have gotten through the anger about your death although just thinking about you can make me sob with grief.  But now, I don't think the sadness is anger-driven, I think it is just the thoughts of "what might have been".  I think about all the things we have missed out on with you:  your first words, first steps, first days of school.  I think about what you would be like.

What would you look like?  Would you be the image of Jordan and Myles - who look so much like each other?  I think you would since you all were so similar looking when you were all born.  

Would you and Jordan be the best of friends?  You are 17 today and she's 14 1/2.  That could make for best friends, or a lot of sibling rivalry.  :)

Would you be taller than me too?  Your sister has already passed me up by about a half an inch.  

Would you love sports?  Jordan loves softball and is thinking about going out for the swim team.  Myles is all about sports, especially baseball and football...and wrestling, and boxing, and basketball.  He loves it all.

Would you have a boyfriend?  Be thinking about what college you'd go to?  Be excited about your senior year of high school?  

It's the trivial stuff I think about most...just the day-to-day things of childhood.  I miss you more that you could possibly know.  I miss you so much.  I can't wait until I see you again.

I love you more than words can express.  Happy 17th birthday!  

Mom

14 Years Ago

14 years ago today, Terrance and I had our first child, Dasya Kaitlin Gray. She died at birth becasue of a condition known as acrania. It is a fatal condition that is just a fluke thing that happens. Today would have been her 14th birthday. I was talking with Jordan about a month ago and she was telling me about the neighbor girl that is starting 9th grade this year, high school. I got to thinking that Dasya would have been going into 9th grade this year too.

A high-schooler!! I can't believe that she would have been that old! It's hard to imagine what life would have been like if she had lived. I know for sure it would make the issues I'm having with Jordan seem easier - because I would have gone through them already with Dasya.

I take comfort in the fact that she is in heaven with the Lord and I will see her again someday - healthy and whole.

We miss you baby-girl! Happy Birthday!!

Gone 13 Years

Well, it's that time of year again...Dasya's birthday is tomorrow and I am sad. She would have been 13 years old. I can't believe she would have been a teenager.

I know she is in a better place...I know this...I know this...I know this - but it is still hard for me to even think about her being gone without being sad. As much as I know that she is being taken care of by her Creator - I still want her here with me.

Every year that goes by, I think that this year will be easier - but it never is. It's been 13 years but I think of her virtually every day. Especially since Jordan looked exactly like Dasya did when she was born - I wonder if they would look the same now - I wonder what she would be like - who she would take after...me or Terrance. I feel like there's just so much I lost out on.

I miss her so bad...

Tomorrow we are going to the cemetary to put some flowers on her grave. I was going to just buy her some tomorrow before we went - but decided not to since they would just dry up and die within a few hours because of the heat. I decided to take Myles and go to Michael's and make her an arrangement that we could just plant - that would last. Here it is (please note that I am NOT artistic at all - but I thought it turned out pretty good):

I was explaining to Myles (who is only 3 1/2) where we were going - and why we were making the flower arrangement - for his sister, and that she lives in heaven with Jesus now - I don't think he "got it" at all - but it's a start and we can just tell him more as he gets a little older. That is something that makes me really sad too - the fact that, even though she died at birth, Terrance and I got to feel her move in me and see her ultra sounds and at her birth - but Jordan and Myles will never get to know her at all...in this life at least. To them - she's just something that makes mommy sad to talk about.

I feel blessed to know her the time that I did...

Psalm 77:10

Then I said, "It is my grief, that the right hand of the Most High has changed."